You Need a Divorce
A divorce, not from your spouse, but from your habits.
After nearly 11 years of dating and 5 years of marriage, I've come to understand that relationships are not a steady ride—they're a roller coaster. In the process of building a home rooted in love and intention, my husband and I have committed to growth: we've read countless personal development books, attended marriage retreats, and leaned into couples therapy.
We all know the saying: marriage is not easy.
And it's true. But what’s equally true—and often forgotten—is that there’s nothing more rewarding than navigating life side by side with someone who truly sees you. To be seen and willingly loved for all that you are and all that you are not.
It's a journey worth the sacrifice.
Recently, I read a book by the Gottmans - a renowned couple known for their ability to predict a divorce with 90% accuracy.
It quickly became one of my favorite books on marriage—not just because it's insightful, but because it's grounded in decades of scientific research. Every recommendation is backed by real data, not just theory.
My most powerful takeaway was that to have a successful marriage, you’ll need to get divorced first - not from your partner, but from your habits, mindsets, and self-righteousness.
Some of my favorite stats from the book were…
Husbands who reward their wives for saying no in the bedroom end up having more intercourse.
Today’s couples work an average of 1000 hrs more, annually, than thirty years ago.
Married young professionals spend an average of 35 minutes a week talking to each other.
People who stay married live 4- 8 years longer.
Research shows that couples where the husbands share in the household work, have more satisfying sex lives. BIG facts.
1). Divorce Your Perspective
I encountered this image when I read the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. From one angle, you may see an old woman, and from another angle, you may see a young woman. What struck me wasn’t the illusion itself, but the realization: both perspectives are true.
The woman is not young or old, she is both.
That image became a metaphor for my marriage.
Cue scenes of every argument I have ever had with my husband - How is it possible for two people to be right?
According to the Gottmans’, 69% of marriage issues are perpetual, this is a reality that we need to accept and embrace.
That statistic scared me. Images of my husband and me full-out arguing, about the same crap we are arguing about now, at 60 years old raced into my mind. Who wants to stay unhappy long-term?
But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I can’t force him to see the old lady - he isn’t wrong.
People are not projects. There are aspects of a person that are just the way they are. It’s what makes them unique, and wishing for all aspects of your spouse to become more palatable is unrealistic, and quite frankly, it isn’t love.
If you aren’t willing to love them as they are, you may not be in love with WHO they are.
Of course, you should have boundaries in your relationship of behaviors that you are not willing to accept, but these should not expand into every category of your relationship, because your spouse isn’t dough - you aren’t here to shape them.
I think of my relationship, and as long as I have known my husband, he has always been time-optimistic, AKA late lol.
He truly believes he has more time than he has. And while he’s grown—thankfully, no more needing to chuck keys in a Tupperware at his window to wake him up on time—this is probably going to be part of our “69%.Ugh…
Does this make me mad? yes. Is it a deal breaker? No.
Instead of chucking an alarm clock at his head, I have developed strategies to cope: telling him he has less time than he has, and building cushions into my schedule.
I love him even when he isn’t on time. I love him despite his imperfections - and in some ways because of them.
2). Divorce Your Immediate Gratification
Ok, so you’ve changed. Maybe you are purposefully focusing on criticizing less, cleaning more, or whatever it is that your spouse has asked you to adjust, but you feel like the little kid who finally cleaned their room… only to be told to do the dishes. Did you even see what I did?
To have a happy relationship and a happy life, you’ll need to divorce your immediate gratification. The seed you plant today may not blossom for months.
According to the Gottmans, a happy relationship has a 5:1 positive to negative ratio, and a relationship headed towards divorce has a 0:8:1 ratio - meaning there are more negative than positive interactions.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of negativity, it may take a lot of intentional effort, like gallons of clear water poured into a cup of dye, before things begin to shift.
But things can improve if your heart is centered on loving your spouse and not controlling them.
3). Divorce the Temptation to Give the Cold Shoulder
Have you ever been around a couple that all they do is argue? You probably think, dang, they are going to break up. Honestly, this used to be my husband and me. Always bickering about silly stuff while all our couple friends were calm and cuddling.
I used to think we were broken.
But guess what? There wasn’t anything wrong with us. A lack of arguing doesn't always mean harmony—it can mean hopelessness. Lack of arguing can often be a sign, not of lack of problems, but of a lack of belief that your problems are worth discussing.
And that silence screams: Why try? Why even argue about it? My partner isn’t worth my energy.
The Gottmans talk about the 4 horsemen that are signs of negativity breeding into your relationship. The most harmful of these is stonewalling.
Fighting may not be fun, but it is far less destructive than silence.
Final Thought:
In an era where far fewer people are getting married, grappling with whether they want a long-term relationship, what they are truly struggling with is whether they want to administer the unconditional love they crave.
Can I choose love when I have been afflicted, or worse, when the person is undeserving?
We were created by love to love. It is our only calling. Exercise your muscle of loving unconditionally.
Care enough to divorce your perspective.
Be patient enough to know change takes time,
Lean in enough to divorce your temptation to walk away when things get inconvenient.
Love has the power to transform your reality.
*This advice does not apply to people in relationships with mental or physical abuse
